12/15/11

Leave the Judging to God

A sweet acquaintance of mine recently told me what I needed to do in order to be in her God’s will. She said she felt compelled to tell me this because God had called all Christians to point out sin in their brethren.

Oh sweet girl, sweet lifelong Christian girl, I know you mean well. But if God “put it in your heart” to tell me what is wrong with me, it is so that I might have a reason to tell you this: Sin in others? You think this is about SIN in OTHERS? Oh, my dear, it is most assuredly not.

You try your best to control it in yourself, and, bruised, ashamed and beaten by your shortcomings, you attempt to control it in other people. You shudder violently at the sight of it in yourself and your disgust drives you all the more to hold others to a higher standard than you are able to maintain, in a feeble attempt to assuage your guilt.

You even enact laws with the help of your so called “Christian brothers and sisters” that are designed to force other people to adhere to your own moral code. It is not out of some sense of moral decency nor is it born of some alleged godly commandment that you try to control other people, it’s out of frustration at your own shortcomings. We humans despise in others what we loathe in ourselves. Since I cannot stop it in me, I will crush it out in you. THAT my dear, is why it is “on your heart.”

People in every generation from the beginning of time have tried to thrust their “moral values” on others, vehemently claiming that they are doing what is right. Crusading even. Stopping other people from erring or being outside of “God’s Will.” They even did that evidenced by the Bible you are so fond of quoting, when Jesus was not allowing Himself to be controlled by them. They controlled him to death.

Don’t start doing that to me. I won’t have it. I will be the judge of what is right for me. It is not for you to decide how I will be judged. It is between me and whatever God I believe in. As long as what I do is not hurting you or yours, you have no right to try to put me in a place that you, yourself will not, cannot go.

My “sin” as you so vehemently describe it, is not hurting you. You just think it is, because you either want to do it and stop yourself, or you do something very much like it. When you see something in me that disgusts or otherwise upsets you, THAT is the time that God is putting something in your heart. He is saying: “There! That is what I want you to look at in yourself, child. NOT what you are to look at in others.”

From what I know of your religion, God called you to love, not judge His children. The judgment should be left up to Him.

10/5/10

I don’t understand how women and men even come CLOSE to staying together in relationships. They’re so different.

Here's my take on the whole thing. Now, I realize that I am not exactly trained nor do I have the credentials to deal with relationships as a counselor would, or a psychologist, BUT, I know a lot of women and I know a lot of men, and I am a little bit of each inside, so I do have some insight.

After all these generations of straight people being together, I would think that ya’ll would have figured more of this out. Maybe it’s because I’m on the outside looking in. Maybe it’s because I’m gay and can empathize with women a little more easily than most men can, but it just surprises me that hardly anyone seems to learn what they need to know about each other in order to make things work.

Let me start with the women that I know. I have to assume that since they come from several different walks of life, and that they are from varying age groups, that I am indeed getting a good cross section of different types. And let me also say that I am going to speak in generalities because I’m just not going to waste the time, effort, and paper it would take to keep repeating “most but not all” or “in general” all the time. You’re just going to have to understand that we both know there are exceptions to every rule and that even when you say “women do this” and “men do that”, it of course doesn’t refer to EVERY SINGLE WOMAN or MAN on the planet. Just MOST of them.

Nearly every time I talk to a woman that I work with, they will make statements that show me that they don’t understand how to get what they want out of their man. I always tell them this: First of all, you have no idea what he wants, you have no idea what he needs, so how do you expect to meet him halfway? And really, in a relationship, you often have to go MORE than halfway if you want one thing or another.

First of all, most women want a “nest”. Men want a “prize”. I see woman after woman, girl after girl, and lady after lady make all the same mistakes when hoping to get married. They find a man they like, or can put up with, they go about setting up house, they become monogamous and self-sacrificing, they instantly decide that they are not going to date anyone else, and they give the man EVERYTHING he could possibly want from her. Usually even all the sex he can possibly desire. Basically, everything he would get if he married her. She gets companionship, sex, sometimes a little more but NO RING. No nest. And she wonders why.

What I don't understand is why she thinks he WOULD want to give her a commitment, much less a ring. HE'S ALREADY GETTING EVERYTHING HE WANTS!!

So I'm talking to my friend Kyla the other day. We're on a charter flight chock full of military personnel coming back from Iraq, where they have been for 8 months. We are working the leg from Dallas/Ft. Worth to an army base, and Kyla has been telling me about the fact that she has dated her boyfriend exclusively for years, and he won't marry her. So I mentioned to her that she was single, and asked why she isn't acting like it?

And she acted very surprised by my comments. She said: "But I'm NOT single." And I said, "Yes, in fact you ARE single. You have just been telling me that he does not want to get married and he won't give you a ring or make a commitment."

Anyway, to make a long story short, I told her that men want a prize. They want what other men want. If they think that you are about to get away and that another man might "get" you, THAT'S when they ask you to marry them.

So I made a PA to the male soldiers on the flight and told them that the cute blonde that was walking down the aisle right now, is "SINGLE." She turned red and ran to the back galley while about 20 or 30 of the young attractive men descended upon her and began to vie for her attention.

She was soooo mad at me. Not REALLY mad, but embarrassed mad, I guess. Several of them insisted on giving her their phone numbers, and proceeded to try to sweet talk her for quite some time. I could see that she was a little intimidated by the attention, but that she was also enjoying it a little bit. So the flight went on without further incident, other than Kyla nearly dying of embarrassment, and we landed, then turned around and came back to Dallas.

I didn't see her for about 2 months after this happened, and when I did, she told me that she had gone home that evening to her boyfriend and told him all about what had happened. He was a little mad, but not too much. Then she went on to tell me that on the following Saturday he presented her with an engagement ring, and a proposal. That was about 6 years ago, and at the time of this writing they are happily married.

You see, women think that men want what they want--a nest. So they provide them with it. But that is not what men want, they want a PRIZE. They want someone of course that THEY find attractive, but very importantly that OTHER MEN find attractive. That is why a woman who is seeing someone that has not asked her for a commitment much less marriage should always consider herself single--until she is not. And if there is no plan for marriage, no ring and no proposal, then she is very definitely single. For a man to ask a woman to marry him, there needs to be a reason. A reason such as: he doesn't want her to get away!! And if there is no danger of her getting away, then why on earth would he request her hand in marriage?

Conversely, if a man wants to marry a woman, he best try to provide her with a safe place, one in which she feels she can share her fears and her dreams. Hopefully a roof over her head and the possibility of a family. She wants to be cherished. She won't care if you gain a little weight, she won't care if you aren't the most handsome man in town IF, and only IF you make her feel wanted, cherished, protected, and loved.

4/29/10

Which part of a man is the man?

I think our sexuality shows itself in 4 places.

ONE: Our genitals
TWO: Our attraction to the opposite or same sex
THREE: How we like to present ourselves (i.e. wearing a dress or pants, etc)
FOUR: Which genitalia and body we WANT to have

This explains a lot. For instance if you are the average straight man or woman, you probably like the opposite sex, you are comfortable with which genitalia you have, and you prefer to dress as is socially “normal” for your sex. You probably also do not want to change your genitals to those of the opposite sex.

But I think some of us are born with one or more of those four things turned around.

My friend, who shall remain nameless because of her privacy, was born a male. She never wanted to “present” or “dress” as a male, she became attracted to men at a young age, and she never wanted to have a penis. Therefore, THREE of the four ways she could have been a boy were opposite to what is considered the norm. It caused her considerable angst, if not terror and frustration to be in a body that was not what she felt in every way on the inside. So, when she was 18 and having saved a great deal of money, she went to a doctor and changed the few things that didn’t fit who she felt she was. Now she happily lives as a woman, and is a contributing member of society.

Look at it this way. If you happen to be a man, you probably want to act like a man, you want to have sex with a woman, or more than one woman. You probably want to dress as a man dresses, and do the things men do. But what if all this were true and felt right except for one thing: you lacked a penis, and had a vagina instead. You would want to hide it, you would want to act as if you didn’t have what you had, you would be in abject terror of anyone finding out that you had the wrong genitals. It could be horrible to live that way. Think of your first visit to PE class in the eighth grade, hiding with a towel, staying late to take your shower, being terrified of being found out. You’re even afraid to ask your mother, and she just never brought it up. Much less the idea of asking your dad! Everyone assumes you are “normal” but no matter how they treat you, you know all the while that you are broken, and weird, and NOT NORMAL. Sometimes people kill themselves.

I know less about women than I do men, first of all I have read quite a bit about men, and second of all, being a homosexual, I am familiar with myself and how my mind works. I was born a male, and the only part of me that doesn’t fit the norm is that I am attracted to men. I don’t want to dress like a girl, I don’t want to act like a girl, and for God’s sake I don’t want my penis removed! But still, I am attracted physiologically to men. Not women. Never was, except for in a platonic way. It’s pretty easy for me to live this way in today’s world, in America, but some are not so lucky. I could have been born with all of the four except for the way I want to dress. That is why some men want to dress as women yet they don’t want to have sexual reassignment surgery. They are attracted to women, they want to keep their penis, and they want to act as a man in their everyday lives. But they want to wear women’s clothes.

I don’t know exactly why I felt I needed to share all that, but it’s just one of those things I have thought a lot about and learned a bit about, so there it is. I hope it makes you look at things differently.

12/3/09

To dance

Throughout my entire childhood, I felt a terrible closeness, a connection so palpable as to seem like there was an invisible cord stretched between my mother and me; a cord that enabled me to sense her feelings, to know what she needed and wished for, that caused me to worry endlessly for her welfare no matter where I was. My concern for her had two sharp edges: one that meant I must endeavor to care for her and one that kept me from straying too far from her side.

I would question the need to care for her only for an instant and overwhelming guilt would rise up like a slap to the face, extinguishing my desire for self preservation with much more strength than my barely discernable desire to be what I actually was—a child.

If I regret any part of my life, it is this unwillingness I had to drop the cord, to let go of the chain and run and play and get into trouble with the other boys. To simply let my mother “be” however she needed to be, and to not consider it my fault if she was lonely or tired or ill. I had no idea that this invisible cord that bound us together was something that I could merely have dropped, or leg go of, allowing fate or God, or the earth’s evidently malevolent intent to take it’s course.

I finally realize what a waste it was for me to try to make my mother well. It’s not something a child could possibly do nor should he, for that matter. All that energy, all that time spent worrying and my mother never really got better. Only worse and then worse like a plant deprived of sunlight will slowly wither away. It reaches weakly in the general direction of the sun with no real ability to robustly grow and flower, and of course ultimately giving up and falling toward the ground to die.

There is, of course, a lesson here. I think it is to perhaps give up a bit sooner sometimes. To leave things which I am unable to change the course of or repair, to someone or something who can. To perhaps learn to drop the chains with which I bind myself, to cut the invisible cords of guilt and duty, and to learn to run and to play, and yes, even to begin wildly, carelessly to dance.

11/24/09

A couple of days ago, I heard that a friend had died. I say friend, but I guess we weren't exactly close. He was about 85 years old, give or take a couple years. But such an impression he made on me.

He was just about the wisest person I've ever known. He said so many things over the years that affected me, but I'm going to mention one in particular that really did change my life. It took a while, but change my life it did.

I was sitting at a coffee shop with a couple of friends at a time when coffee shops had just come on the scene in Dallas. I couldn't tell you exactly what year it was but I'd say around 1996. Charlie Brown walked in (That was what everyone called him, his name was really Charles Rutherford, but I never heard him go by that) and he said hello and we asked him to join us. He had old fashioned manners, and just kind of seemed like a dandy from the turn of the century.

After he got himself settled, there was a little bit of chit-chat, and then a lull in the conversation, so I said to him: "tell us something wise, Charlie Brown". Immediately he turned and looked at me, and I could see that he was gathering his thoughts to say something. But it was almost as if he had EXPECTED me to ask him to do this. Then, with very little hesitation he said, "there are four lies taught in our society, by our teachers, by our parents, and everyone else. We believe these lies and we go on to teach them to our children and our children's children". He had MY attention. I said, "go on, Charlie Brown, go on!" And he continued. "They are accepted as the truth all over America, and frankly, if you try to tell most people they are lies, they'll fight you tooth and nail!"

I was very curious at this point, and I was trying to imagine what sort of high minded soliloquy was going to come out of his mouth. He waited until he had all 3 of us young men's attention and went on to say, "they are:
You make me feel good,
You make me feel bad,
I make you feel good,
And I make you feel bad."

I sat there like a lump, because I really had expected more. After all, this didn't even make sense. Of course I can make someone feel bad! All I have to do is talk about how fat they are, or how old, or that they dress funny! Everyone knows this! And this is what I told him. He went on to say that this was exactly what he was talking about. That NO ONE has the power to make you feel anything, that you are One Hundred percent responsible for your feelings. That if you have a big feeling about something, then it is something for YOU to think about and NOT something to blame on the other person.

I really didn't know what to say, and for one of the first times in my life, I was quiet. Mostly I thought that he was crazy.

But I went home and I thought about what he said. If that is true, I thought, then how is it I feel so badly when someone rejects me, or when someone calls me a name, or I am told in some way that I am not good enough. Too fat, too skinny, too rich or too poor.

This may seem a little bit strange, but for some reason what he said that day stuck with me like nothing I had ever heard. I though about his comments sometimes at night when I couldn't sleep and I thought about them whenever I had a major "feeling". It was like he had cursed me with a phrase that I was forced to meditate on. I kept trying to apply it to things, and I'm a little ashamed to admit, I tried hard to prove to myself that they were not true. I had been brought up to try not to "make anyone feel bad". And to always try to be careful with the other person's feelings. So how could it be that it was impossible to make someone feel bad? How could that be? Everything I had been taught about how to treat other people was wrong.

But somehow, deep in my soul, I knew that Charlie Brown had been ONE HUNDRED PERCENT RIGHT. I KNEW it. I just had to figure out what it meant.

Now this stuff might seem elementary to some of you, but to me it was mind blowing. It was shocking.

Not long after that, I was walking down the street with a rather flamboyant friend of mine and I was a little embarrassed. It's not that I don't want people to know that I am gay, it's more about being embarrassed about the company I keep. Anyway, right on cue, a carload of guys from the local high school drove slowly by and yelled, FAGS!! YOU GUYS ARE FAGS!!! And I got very, very angry. Then I stopped on the sidewalk and thought "They can't make me angry." So why was I? I was not sure, but I stood there and thought about it. If I am angry at what they said, then isn't it their fault? Didn't they cause this shame? Didn't they cause me to feel silly with my friend? Aren't my feelings THEIR FAULT!?!?!

If what Charlie Brown said was true, then it was NOT their fault. My feelings were my own. No one could give them to me. So I thought analytically about what they said. First of all, it was TRUE. In a manner of speaking. I mean, FAG is not a really nice word, but the sentiment is that I am a man who likes other men, so that part of it is true if not a bit.... abrasive. So why was I so upset?

What I figured out that day was that the problem was NOT what those boys said. The problem was what I thought about myself! They reminded me of boys in my own school many years ago. It was then that I realized that what the guys in the car really did was that they REMINDED me of my OWN feelings. Feelings I already HAD. I already felt ashamed of myself for no good reason. I had momentarily pushed down into my subconscious that I didn't really like myself and those young boys brought it right back up. Their words were merely FLAGS. Flags to remind me of things I sorely needed to work out. In a perfect world in which I have total esteem for myself, no one would be able to bother me with words, or hurt me with anything they could possibly say. Now, this is not a perfect world and I may never feel that good about myself. But the lesson is that (and I may repeat this so that you really hear it) is that ANYTIME I have overwhelming feelings about something someone says, there is something in my psyche that I need to work on.

If someone tells me they don't want to date me because I am not good looking enough, and I feel terribly hurt, then it shows me I need to get more comfortable with how I look.
If they tell me I am too fat and it upsets me, then I either need to lose weight, or become comfortable with my weight so that their words mean nothing to me.

My goal is to become so comfortable with myself that I am able to be completely comfortable with other people's words. In the meantime, if I am hurt by something someone says, it is an opportunity to work on something with in me. So really, I need to thank them for it, not curse them.

This is what Charlie Brown taught me that day. Now it took a few years to sink in, but all in all, I will never forget him for it. He changed my life.

11/10/09

What if God could see, but could not hear?

I think about God a lot. Like if he exists, if not, or if he exists in the way that we picture him. And too, if he is male or female, or even singular...! For the sake of ease, I will refer to God as He or Him in this blog.


I, for one, do NOT think that we have been given the definitive answer in any book or big carved tablets. Sorry. I just don't. I think that if there was an absolute answer here on earth, SOMEONE who knew about it would have absolute power. And there would be no reason to BELIEVE anything differently than anyone else. And there would be no choice, no free will. I think that everything, and I mean EVERYTHING in this world is flawed, and perfect in it's imperfection. That goes for the trees, the air, water, the bible... everything.

I just do not believe that God, whomever he is, gave us an absolute answer. For some reason he didn't want us to know for sure. Some people would tell me that He DID give us the textbook on Himself and it's called the bible. And that the choice we have is whether or not to believe it. I say that if the bible is even close to the truth, it is still just like everything else in the world, flawed, and therefore perfect. Mankind simply cannot take dictation from God without having some "typos", because we are not perfect. If the bible was taken like dictation, then there wouldn't be so many gray areas in it, so many things that are off just a little bit. One of the things I have noticed about the English language is that even the words are finite, in that the meanings of the words are not usually EXACTLY what they need to be to be EXACT. For instance, the word "big". Well, how big is it? Is it HUGE? How big is huge? What about small? How small, and in comparison to what? What about the word "faggot"? In old English it meant a burning stick from the fire. Now, it's a slang term for a homosexual man. How accurate is the bible if you take into context the fact that not only do words MEANINGS change, but the bible was even translated into different languages all together. And if I remember my bible history correctly, wasn't some of it in a language that was a written language and not even a spoken one? I wonder how close we even are to the original, and how close that one was to what it was intended?

All this to say that I have to find my own way to God and my own beliefs of Him. I don't need a man on a stage or behind a pulpit to tell me what I am supposed to believe.

I was thinking about prayer recently, and you KNOW I'm going to tell you what I think about that! I used to think that a person needed to have faith that they could pray something and that it would "come to pass" if they fervently believed it. Well, that didn't work for me. Either I didn't really believe it, or it just isn't true, one or the other, because most of the things I prayed for certainly didn't happen. Then people would say to pray and if it's God's will, it will happen. I would then wonder why on earth I need to pray for something if it was already His will for it anyway? Can he not manage on his own? Does he need MY faith? And if something is NOT God's will, why in the world would you want to ask him to do it in spite of that, against His will? Sounds a little funky to me.

Then I started thinking, what about me, what's my part in all this? I usually think that if I want something to go differently, then am I doing what I can to change it? For example: When I was still getting drunk all the time and my life was going "to hell" I used to pray that God would fix everything and make me stop partying and do better. It seemed like He never answered my prayers. It was so frustrating, and that's one of the periods during which I stopped thinking that there was even a god at all. After I came to the program and got sober, I began to realize and remember all the many, many times that people had mentioned to me that I might possibly benefit from this program. But I wouldn't take action. Now, looking back, I think God DID answer my prayers, I just didn't think THOSE answers were THE answer. I didn't think I needed to go to a 12-step program, it seemed so stupid.

After many years of sobriety, it is very clear to me that God has indeed answered my prayers, just not always in the way I expect him to. So I need to listen. I need to pay attention. Perhaps the answer is right there and I just don't see it, or I just don't hear it. And also, that I may need to change some of my actions.

I have asked God why I don't have a long term relationship, and I don't get very clear answers. I don't know if I ever will. I ask him also to help me to SEE when someone comes into my life, in case I miss him. I know that sometimes we might miss a wonderful person because he or she is not in the exact package we expect them to be in. So I ask for clarity and willingness so that I can do my part and notice the person.

I always want to do the appropriate action that lines up with my prayers. I mean, what if God could see but could not hear? What if he simply couldn't hear me begging for something but he could see my ACTIONS, and he simply believed my actions rather than my words? Do the things I DO match my words? Am I praying for health while I treat my body in a terrible way? Am I praying for a handsome husband, while I treat the people I date like sexual conquests? So I try to act in a way that supports the prayers I am praying. Otherwise I'm sending the world and God and whatever powers that be two totally different messages. And that's gotta be confusing.

11/8/09

Containers for containers.

Ugh! I'm helping Mom move this weekend. She is such a damn pack rat... When I say that, I really mean that she keeps EVERYTHING!

She has junk mail from the 1970's, and ground beef in her freezer that is dated from the Viet Nam War Era. She keeps old plastic disposable butter containers INSIDE Tupperware containers. She needs both of them to store one another. Someday she may want to organize the plastic grocery bags she saves inside them. Jelly jars, baby food jars, old broken sets of dishes, she has things in her kitchen from when I was a kid. I'm 48. There are chairs on top of tables with boxes stacked on them containing stuff bought at garage sales, broken picture frames, camera parts, scratched records, yellowed writing paper. A bread making machine with no cord, several partial sets of pots and pans, though she really never liked to cook. There are nine coffee pots and she doesn't even make coffee at home. Ever.

If you dare open a cabinet all this stuff starts falling out, like Mr. Whoopee when he opened his closet on the cartoon "Tennessee Tuxedo".

I'm still alive after day one of moving her, but still have to get the last of the stuff moved Sunday. It's not going to fit. It'll be interesting to see what she is going to be willing to leave. How many spice racks can you use, mom? Don't you think 11 is too many? And are you saving those seven trash bags full of plastic grocery bags for the war effort? Why do you have 6 bags of kitty liter? Your cat died two years ago. And where is my noose?

I feel like I am doing a really good thing, but it wears my ass OUT! She panics and refuses to throw anything out, so we keep having to distract her and run things to the dumpster. She is so attached to the things that most people think are trash, that is why it is so hard. See, it's horrible to move someone, and worse when you feel that the things you are moving should really be thrown away. Then when you get it all to the new place you have to find a way to make it look nice, or at least a person would LIKE to make it look nice...But that's really not possible. And all this KNOWING that she will continue to bring more junk in to the new apartment making it look as cluttered as the last place. There is no way to win, except that I feel she will be in this particular apt for a long time.

We had to have discussions with her to be able to throw away manuals for electronics that she hasn't owned in 20 years. Meat from the freezer that was dated FIVE YEARS AGO had to be furtively slipped into a coat or blouse and taken to the dumpster without her seeing. Every time I tried to throw away some old plastic grocery bags, she would cry out that she "needed those!" I got so sick of carefully wrapping up each individual tiny empty jar or bottle from spice racks I thought I was going to scream. She reads constantly, but doesn't want to get rid of the books she reads after finishing them, so in the new place there are paper backs already stacked up on her living room desks and tables. Starting tomorrow, she will begin to stack new junk mail that arrives at her new apartment on top of the books on the tables. In a few weeks, there will be no exposed parts of desks, tables or footstools in her new home.

I haven't been telling you any of the hardest part.

She just sits there. She sits in her chair and lets all this go on and never even thinks to utter a thank you. She so expects us to do all this for her that it doesn't occur to her to make things easier by getting rid of some junk. She doesn't even seem to notice that we have taken a weekend out of our busy lives to do all this for her, and in fact, even though she has little trouble getting around, instead of going and getting something from "fast food" for us to eat, she waits until we are exhausted and announces to everyone that she is hungry and wants someone to go get her some food. This after fighting EVERY step of the way to keep us from getting rid of or selling anything which would ease the strain of trying to fit all this stuff into a one bedroom apartment. Not to mention packing, loading, and toting it across town. It never even occurs to her to try to make it easier for us.

When she blurted out that she was hungry in her demanding, helpless way just as we were about to get out in the fresh air and retrieve her washer and dryer, I thought about staying and taking her car to go get something. Then I realized that she had been seated all day and that maybe SHE should go get something for herself and maybe even for US. I suggested that, and she said without a moment's hesitation that she didn't know her way around the new neighborhood, nor did know where the places were to eat. I reminded her that she had lived in Springfield for a total of about 20 years, and that she drove by this very apartment 4 or 5 times per week already.

Cornered, she got up out of the recliner, gathered her keys and went to get herself some food from one of her favorite places in the neighborhood. A fast food restaurant that she has frequented countless times.

Everything she says comes out in a whiny, petulant "little girl" voice that probably worked on her father while she was little and then MY father for the next 25 years and now it's working on US. There is a helpless, babyish tone that defies explanation, but it only goes away when she decides to demand something more strongly, or if she wants to state an opinion in a way that will leave little or no room for argument.

Seven adults working from 9am to 6pm and we only got about 70 percent of a one bedroom apartment moved and set up.

When I get home, I'm going to throw away every article of clothing I have not worn in the last 2 months. I hate clutter. My mother craves it. My father is obsessively neat. No wonder I hate myself.

11/5/09

Everything perfect.

My friend is a perfectionist. He has to have everything exactly how he wants it. He does the same things every day at the same time. Goes to work at the same time, the gym after work for the same time, even on Saturday and Sunday, I know exactly where he'll be on a given day at any time of the day. The only thing that varies is that he may do different things on say, a Saturday night, but he will leave the house at approximately the same time, and it will be an activity that he planned ahead of time. Never at the last minute.

After I thought about him a while, I got to thinking that really, I am ALSO a perfectionist to some degree. I like everything a certain way and I never feel like I do things right. Mine is more along the lines of thinking I'm not ENOUGH of a perfectionist.

So much of the time I don't do things because I am afraid they are not good enough. I have been sitting on that manuscript for 5 years because I don't think it's "ready" to send to a publisher yet. Not that there is a publisher dying to see it. I don't know. But anyway, I wait and wait because I always feel it's not good enough.

I wonder how many people don't do something because it's not perfect? How many artists, writers, singers? I remember reading that Barbra Streisand didn't do many concerts because of insecurity. Imagine, Barbra! Did Picasso or Monet wonder whether their portraits were good enough to finish, or did they keep working on them for years, trying to make them perfect? I think that there are a lot of things int he world that are flawed and because of their flaws they are even more beautiful.

Imagine a waterfall that falls without splash all the way to the ground, not mixing with the air and becoming white? It would just be clear water moving over the ground and through the air. Not intersting at all. Imagine a tree without bent or broken branches, without knotholes where a branch came off years ago. Not so beautiful.

I think perhaps placing a value on something as perfect would be very "exclusive". It would exclude everything that is wonderful, beautiful, fabulous or even quite good, but less than perfect. If every painting in the world that has a flaw, a stroke out of place, every song that had a discordant tone were excluded from sight or sound--what kind of world would it be?

I think if given a choice between everything being perfect or every thing ranging from "okay" to "FANTASTIC!" I'll take the latter. To me, an imperfect world is a little more beautiful than a perfect one would be.

11/4/09

Springfield or bust

I'm sort of looking forward to going to Springfield this weekend, just a little worried, since it is so hard to be with my mother. I would be tempted to think it is just my problem, but my brothers are the same way. Of course they react differently than I do. One of them NEVER talks to her and just drinks a LOT of beer. One only talks to her when he has to, and then it's only to berate and make negative comments. The other one is delightful, he is the one I am going to help during the move. But even he says he gets super depressed at the idea of spending time with her. It's funny, he is the only person who put it just like I did: That my mother can simply walk into the room and we just get depressed. Like an overwhelming blanket of sad hopelessness. So strange. Especially since I have done so much work on my issues of forgiveness and resentment.

I guess I thought that once I went to therapy and worked on all my "stuff" and then wrote a manuscript about my childhood (really a therapy assignment) and then learned to spend time with her and try to appreciate her for who she is, that I would feel better about being with her. And consequently better about myself. I am of the opinion that a person can never have a fulfilling effective relationship with anyone until they are at peace with their primary caregiver relationships. I'm just sayin'.

Anyway, it didn't really work that well with me. I mean, I am more at peace, but my relationships (when I have them) are horrible, as you may have noticed.

I guess I subscribe to the theory that a man will marry someone like their mother and a woman someone like her father. It may vary a little from person to person, but for the most part I think it's true. For me, it sure is. Every single guy I have dated seriously, and that's more numbers than I care to admit, has been like my mother. They don't place a high priority on truth. They are not faithful. They are needy and helpless. They are emotionally less than completely stable. And they cannot stay in an intimate relationship.

These are all things that are easy for them to hide at first. Or at least easy for me to miss. I date someone for a little while, everything seems fine, and then one day I wake up and think: This is not my boyfriend, this is my mother--with a tank top and hiking boots!

So the thing is, I'm a little nervous about dating. I still DO it, mind you, but I am not thinking that I'm very good at it.

I think I am going to leave on Friday so that I can get there in time to stay at my brother Mark's house Friday night, then help all day Saturday, and probably Sunday, then go back Monday morning. It will probably be fun in a way, especially knowing that Mark and I have a similar sense of humor. And it will be good to help Mom. She really doesn't have a mean bone in her body. She never means any harm. Now, if I can just get through this weekend without killing myself...

10/30/09

Thank God!

I've always thought that God was going to protect me. Let me start with a tiny explanation. I'm not sure what God IS, but I say God, because I don't have another word for whatever is the creator of all this. So let's just simplify things and call "it" God.

See, I'm thinking about this house again, since it hasn't sold yet. And since I am having money problems, of course, I'm thinking about God a lot. Like why doesn't he help me, why hasn't he made the house sell, you know, all that. I guess I have this idea that God wants what is best for me, and that what is best for me is that the house will sell, so WHERE IS HE?? Obviously, that may not be the best thing anyway, I mean I can't really see the big picture, can I?

I know there are a lot of people that don't even think He has such an individual hand in our lives, and the may be right, I don't know. But I guess it's just the way I was brought up. (Catholic with Baptist undertones, meaning that most of my friends were Baptists) I just feel like there is this God somewhere that cares about me, and is looking out for my best interests. Which doesn't make sense, since I am not special and there are clearly people whose interests are not being watched out for. Why would he look out for mine if it doesn't happen to everyone?

Which brings me to my next wave of thinking: Maybe I am supposed to just do the best with what I have and not plan on some "knight in shining armour/God" to come save me. I mean, why would God save ME over someone else? I'm not better than they are. And look around at the world, there are people losing more than their houses. The scary thing is that deep down, the reason I think "God" has protected me from REALLY bad things happening, is that I think somehow I have curried his favor. Or that I somehow DESERVE better treatment. That's crazy. Why would HE be good to me and not all the starving children, or that sick people or people whose homes are bombed in war? You can't tell me I deserve a better life than they are given. So why do I think God is going to swoop down and do good things for me, or make me comfortable or something? People lose homes. They lose health, they die, they lose children. You can't tell me that whoever God is, that he is thinking that this one guy sitting here writing in his blog, deserves some better treatment than anyone else. It doesn't make sense. And as Judge Judy says: If it doesn't make sense, it usually isn't true.

So that's when I get into a lot of fear. Since I was depending on God to make sure I didn't go hungry, and since I don't really believe God keeps people from going hungry, I guess I'm in trouble aren't I?

The frustrating thing is that it seems like it would be such a simple thing to make my life go better. Sell the house to someone who would love living in it. Find me a nice place to live with LESS OVERHEAD! It just seems so simple and I sit here wondering why it hasn't happened. And I blame God.

There are so many people that will tell me: "Dont' blame God, he didn't do it!" when something bad happens. So then who did? And you same people that will say not to blame Him, will say "Oh Thank God" when something goes well. Well, I say you can't have it both ways. Either it's his fault when it goes good AND bad, or it's not Him at all. Right?

The only thing I know for sure is that when I follow Good Orderly Direction, my life goes pretty well for the most part. So I will continue to do that. But I just don't know how to really get "okay" with the whole GOD thing.

He may be okay with me, he may not. But I am definitely NOT okay with Him. I don't like how He does things.

10/27/09

The definition of eternity

I got to go to ANOTHER comedy show last night. There were two standup comedians that performed, the first one lives here in Dallas, and the second one, really the headliner is from New York. He was pretty good. I watched particularly how he played to the audience, as I wanted to see if he simply did a canned act, or if he changed it for the type of audience that showed up. I couldn’t tell for sure, but I doubt if he changed it much for us.

I know that most comics don’t. Most things that are done on stage, or even in interviews are written ahead of time and simply molded just a bit to fit the night, the crowd or the circumstance. If Jay Leno asks a guest a question, the guest probably had time to think about it ahead of time to try to figure out something funny to say, in fact, they may have even given him a list of questions to ask! The reason I know this, is that I have a tiny bit of experience doing stand up comedy. About 20 years ago, back when I was not so bitter, my friends talked me into trying it. My friend Eugene bought me a “scholarship” to a class that was taught by a comedian which took place at the Improv in Dallas. I learned a lot from him, mostly about what to leave out.

The idea is to leave out as much of the wordiness as is humanly possible and then have a punch line. The longer a joke gets the funnier it needs to be. And conversely, the shorter it is, the easier it is to get a laugh. He also taught us some things about “types” of jokes. It was an amazing experience. I really enjoyed it, and if you don’t mind my saying, I really did a pretty good job. I got a lot of really big laughs telling people about my life, and my parents. But I’m not really thick skinned enough to be a real comedian. They hone their skills for YEARS in little comedy clubs with managers and patrons that are eager to hate the comedian. By the time you see them on The Tonight Show, they have tried these jokes in front of every conceivable type of audience. Anyway, I think this guy did really well. He had obviously learned how to get to the punch as quickly as possible, and of course, his funniest bits were about his family. The truth about his life.

So I did the stand up thing for a matter of months, and actually got paid a dollar a minute for my act once. A grand total of 10 dollars, but I think he just didn’t want to make change for the ten, since I was only up there for about 8 minutes. I think another reason I quit was that I began to really drink a lot at that point, and standup comedy takes a lot of practice in front of a mirror, or at least a lot of writing down and memorizing. You simply cannot mess up the timing of a joke or forget some of the details. If your timing is off, no one laughs. And I’ve heard a lot of definitions of eternity, but the real meaning is the time on stage between a joke that gets no laugh and the moment you remember your next one.

10/26/09

Please, don't help me.

My friend asked me what I thought an enabler is. I had to think about it for a minute and when I was thinking, she said she just didn't like the "blame" in the word. I started to wonder why she felt blamed, but realized that someone must have told her about how her enabling her husband only increased or allowed him to drink. So I told her that I thought an enabler was someone who helped to solve the problems of a drinker so that the consequences were removed or reduced, which would allow the drinker to continue their behavior, knowing that they would not or at least HAD not experienced consequences.

She said she just didn't like the "blame" inherent in the word enabler.

I had to think about this for a bit, but the only reason I can imagine that she felt defensive about a word like that was if she WAS one, and didn't want to stop.

Believe me, I know what that's like.

But just the way she argued about it, made me think about this concept that I believe in: If I believe something one hundred percent, I have no need of convincing you. In other words, the only reason I would argue the "truth" of something would be if I am not completely sure it's true.

That's why liars so vehemently defend their statements.

I think that an enabler is so dangerous to an alcoholic because (s)he will usually keep the problems caused by the drinker at bay, and the drinker will not have a reason to stop. Most people think that an alcoholic has a drinking problem. Well, I say he only has a problem if there is a "problem". If someone or a bunch of someone's is picking up the pieces, then there really isn't a problem is there? If there was someone paying my rent and explaining to my boss why I missed so much work, I wouldn't have had to stop drinking either. There would be no problem.

My belief is that the worst thing you can do to a person is to protect them from their pain. If I have no pain, I'll have no reason to change.

So please, don't enable me. I don't like the pain, but I definitely need to think about changing some things.

I don't think my friend ever saw it my way, but maybe I planted a seed, I don't know. I just think that an alcoholic needs to lie where they fall, or stay in jail when they end up there or get stopped by the police when they drive drunk. That way, they can "wake up" with some consequences and perhaps think about that fact that they need to change. Maybe realize that they have a "problem".

10/14/09

Good orderly direction

Went to the doctor today. I've got this sore throat that has been sticking around for 5 days. My friend Scott says he had a sore throat last week for 5 days then on the 6th it was better. I am hoping tomorrow is good.

He didn't give me any medicine, he thinks it's just the one that is going around, but I was a little nervous... First there was SARS then the Bird Flu, or was that the same thing? Now the Swine Flu. I figure they are all just flus, but I don't care, I wanted to see the DR and just find out if there was anything I could do.

You know, it's funny. I think nothing of going to the doctor for any little thing now, of course I DO have insurance, so that helps. But I used to wait YEARS to go before I was sober. I didn't go to see a dentist for ELEVEN years until I was got sober. I just couldn't talk myself into it after it had been a while for fear of what I'd hear. I figured it would be horrible news and I just couldn't face it. Never mind that not going was probably going to make whatever was going on MUCH worse. When I finally did go to a dentist, it wasn't that bad. I did have to get two crowns and a cavity filled, but that's not really as bad as I thought. And it's done!

There is just something about alcoholics, most of us in recovery agree, we just won't do stuff like that when we are "out there" getting drunk. That's why you hear alcoholics talk in such a before and after way about their drinking. There was life BEFORE sobriety and it's horrible problems, with no real hope of being a happy contributing member of society; then there is life and hope and the possibility of happiness AFTER sobriety. It's like night and day to me.

I really do see my life in two sections. Before hope and after hope. When I'm sober, I can simply "do the next right thing". When I am drinking, it is like being on a roller coaster with a loose wheel. You not only don't know what's around the next corner, but the wheel might fall off and then you're in a really bad fix.

At least now, when I have problems I can approach them with a solution in mind, even if it is only Good Orderly Direction. (notice the initials are G O D ? Cool huh?) Some days, I have a hard time believing in a power up there that loves me, so on those days, I stick to believing in Good Orderly Direction. Works pretty well.

10/12/09

Judge me by mine enemies

This seems so lame.

What 48 year old man is still trying to learn to have self-esteem? I feel like I have moved a little slow in my life to still be here today! Which is, oddly enough, another way for me to try to beat myself up! I guess what I am supposed to be thinking is that I am lucky and grateful to be learning whatever it is that I am learning at this time and place in my life, right?

I guess I have to assume that other people are just like me. I mean, I know for sure that there are lots of women who struggle with self image, you just can't tell as easily when men are that way. Maybe they don't think about it?? Maybe men hide it? Sometimes I think straight guys just go along thinking about nothing and not really feeling anything. Football! Baseball! Sports page!

I have a friend, I'll call her Michelle. She has a boyfriend that hits her, controls her and goes in to rages whenever he feels like it. When asked why she stays with him, she says it's because "I love him." Like that's enough. I'm like: "Michelle, get away from him! You are gorgeous and interesting and smart! You don't need this jerk!" But it does no good.

It's funny, I have noticed that the women that are being controlled or mistreated, and continue to stay with someone like that, seem like they are always the ones that are the least likely to do so. In the rest of their lives they are no nonsense, no bullshit kinda girls. Then when they go home suddenly they are like putty in this guys hands.

I think the reason it really drives me crazy is that I have done it. I have allowed someone to treat me like crap and I stayed with him. And not just one guy, it's happened more than once. When someone else does it, you can REALLY see yourself, you know? I've known for years that if you see something in someone else, it exists in you. It's always so clear when you don't like someone who you think is stupid, or bitchy or whatever. Then when you think about it, you realize YOU yourself are bitchy, and you might THINK you are stupid. You hate in them what you hate in yourself.

It's important though to look at the flip side of the same coin, for instance, if you really just adore someone, some friend of yours for particular qualities, again, you probably see things in them that exist in you. Or you THINK they do. In other words, it doesn't just count for the negative traits, also the positive. I really think that we cannot see what we are not. If that makes sense. Put another way, we can only see what we are, or think we are. Do you know what I mean?

So that is why I just HATE that Michelle lets this dude beat her up and then she goes back to him. It's why I love my friend James' kindness, and my friend Will's graciousness. And my friend Marc's steadfast strength. It's why I am not crazy about slutty acting people. I see that part of me, and then I see it in me.

I have found that I can really get a lot of insight into who a person is by watching who it is that they can't stand, and who it is that they like. You can not only judge a person by his friends, you can somewhat judge him by his enemies.

But for sure, I am going to remember that I love in others what I love in myself, that's the best part of this I want to take with me today. Never mind about what I don't like. For today, I'm going to stick to what I DO like.

I am glad I have smart, kind, sweet, successful friends! That's something I can be proud of!
So here it is, Sunday night, and I have had a really nice weekend. I have to say that the world does look a little different with my new perspective. Each time my mind starts to go to the "I'm not good enough" tapes, I just say shut up, and I change my thinking. It's kind of helping me feel better in general. I just don't feel quite so bad about myself and I guess it is changing what I am expecting to happen.

I had gotten so far behind in my writing in this blog, that there are a couple of other experiences I want to share with you. The following happened a few days before that fateful Friday night when my acquaintance told me that he could tell I didn't think I was good enough...! (I wrote all about it in the blog previous to this) But I just want to tell you what all led up to that night, and where my mind was when he told me that.

I was talking to a friend several days ago, and he was telling me about his mother and some things she used to say. She is in her 80's now and is in a nursing home. He visits her often and is always telling me about how the nurses and staff at the nursing home just LOVE his mom. It's because she has such a good attitude. She really is a lot of fun. I went to see her once when I was in Atlanta last year. I had a little extra time, so I thought I'd drop by. We had a wonderful visit, and I found her delightful to be with. When I stepped out to go get us some lunch, I told her that it would probably take me about twenty minutes. She said: Oh that's okay, I'll just sit her and read the paper and enjoy the twenty minutes." Wow. That stayed with me, even though I haven't had a lot of luck putting it into effect.

Anyway, I was asking him about her good attitude and why she has one. A good one, I mean. See, if I MYSELF was sick, or in pain, or uncomfortable, I would be miserable. And I would not mean to, but I would probably make everyone around me miserable. Since I like to complain a little bit. Part of it is my sense of humor but a lot of it is just bitterness and anger.

So he says there is something that his mother used to say over and over when he was a kid. It was something that stays with him and keeps him on a good path a lot of the time. I was pretty curious, but a little afraid of what it might be, this phrase. He said that it was indeed a simple phrase: Help Others. That's it. Just "Help others." Very simple.

But that one thing would sure change the way I do things, now wouldn't it? I wouldn't be so self-centered, I'd be thinking of others at least some of the time. I'd be spending time on something other than my own gain. I think it would be good for me to make that my mantra.

He had been telling me that I needed to learn to be happy wherever I am, no matter what is going on. I was listening to him, but I wasn't really HEARING him.

Then, the next morning at breakfast I was talking to my friend J.T. who was really just listenting to me rant about my problems. Mostly money problems, but partly worry about the future. And I sort of had this little vision.

There had been this guy that used to go to the neigborhood bars that I went to and everytime I would see him, he would be just smiling and happy looking. Sometimes he would look right at me and smile. It made him so attractive. He did have a nice face, not particularly gorgeous or anything, it's just that his constant smile and happy look made him really sexy and like someone I wanted to talk to. I never did, because of one other thing that I am not proud of letting get to me-- he was in a wheelchair. While I was sitting at the table, talking to J.T. and thinking, it was as if he wheeled himself up in front of our table! I almost felt like he was there with us! It was the strangest thing. I stopped talking and just stared at the empty space next to the table. I just couldn't stop thinking about how he ALWAYS looked happy, and how people were so drawn to him. And then it was gone.

I had always wondered what would have happened had I spoken to him, just started a conversation. Of course, he may not have wanted to talk to me (oops there I go again) But you know, there are no gaurantees. The problem is I never found out. I never gave him a chance. The thing that I will never forget though, is that his attitude and his smile and personality made him very attractive. And he seemed genuinely happy to be there, even if it was in a wheelchair.

This all sort of flashed across my mind as I was sitting with my friend J.T. having breakfast. And that's when I realized I need to be happy wherever I am. Just be happy with what I've got, like Scott had just said. Whether I am in a wheelchair, or a nice car, or just somewhere standing in the rain, I need to be happy with what I have.

So that was the day this all came together in a way that I could really comprehend it and I started saying it to myself over and over. Help others. Be happy. Help others. Be happy.
And then, Help others be happy. Help others be happy. It even goes together!

Then of course, the next evening, Rodney said that stuff to me about my self-esteem, and people's reaction to me.

I think this was what some of the people in my 12 step program call a "spiritual experience." It kind of changed the way I look at things. It's strange how all this came together in a couple of days, and all around my birthday. What a birthday present! I feel like a new person.

I'm really going to try to keep this with me, and carry it through my life.

9/13/09

I believe,,,

I made this blog public, but no one's looked at it yet, except my one friend.  I have this idea that I'm going to get on here one day and see that a bunch of people have looked at it, and left all kinds of mean comments.  I guess I would not get too worried if a gay hater got on here and wrote stuff, but I'd feel like I needed to respond.  And then I'd get all into some sort of argument. Trust me, I would.

I guarantee that one of these days a religious person is going to get on here and read this and start in on what's wrong and sinful about homos.   And you know I'm going to HAVE to argue with them.

When I was in High School I was having a very hard time feeling "okay" in the world.  I'm sure a lot of kids do.  But my mother was an alcoholic, my father had moved out, I was not very well adjusted and I was discovering that I did not like girls for anything other than friendship.  It was very disturbing. 

I was sort of walking along one day, and thought how odd it had been that the other boys were thinking and talking about girls, wanting to kiss them and see 'em naked and I had NO INTEREST.  I did have a couple of crushes on boys.  I didn't call them that, but that's what they were.  I thought it was sort of a hero worship thing.  Anyway, this was all very puzzling to me, and it kept me up really late one night thinking about it.  How I really liked this boy at school, how I had never felt anything "down there" for any girls, and how I had always felt different from other people.

The next morning I was standing in the shower, and it occurred to me that I might be one of "those people".   As that thought struck me, I stood in the shower with water hitting the top of my head, and I froze.  I had that sinking feeling in my stomach and it felt like all my blood rushed into my face.  I stared at a tiny crack in the tile and thought, That's what it is!" and then "no, it can't be!  God wouldn't do that to me."  I thought about all the times I had not fit in with the conversations about girls, and that I had always had best friends that were girls.  How I had played jump rope with the girls instead of kickball with the boys in elementary school.  How I had followed a boy named Kevin home from school just to see where he lived.  How I thought my brother's friends were the coolest guys in the world to me.

I just closed my eyes and leaned my head against the wall and I knew that it all made sense.  Everything came together, in a horrible way.  God had given me an alcoholic, suicidal mother, a family that didn't understand me, and he had made me gay.  And now, I was probably going to hell.  That's where those people go, isn't it?  They burn in hell for eternity.  I didn't know much, but I knew that.  Jesus loves you and you're going to hell.

I had grown up Catholic, and had some respect for the beliefs of the Catholic Church, but had never really felt I was getting what I needed from the church.  Not that one can't, but I didn't.  So I had been talking to some friends at school about becoming "born again".  Now I thought that was what might really save me.  That's what they meant about being saved I guess.  If anyone can change these feelings and make me become what I needed to be, then God could.  So every time I had the chance I talked to those people about their Jesus, and what it means to be born again.  It all sounded good to me.  I just had to say this little phrase and believe in my heart that God raised Jesus from the dead, and I'd be saved.  And I did believe it.  My church taught all that anyway, they just didn't make you say it like it's lines in a play, and they didn't get all emotional about it.

So in the hall a few days later, I became "born again" as taught to me by my baptist friends.  Suddenly I was part of a fraternity.  I had friends that liked me, and I was sort of popular.  At least there was a group of wholesome, nice kids that liked me and seemed interested in what I had to say.  I had places to go on weekends and I could get out of the house when my mother was trying to drink herself to death, talking about suicide, or, quite often actually cutting herself with razor blades.

If this was what it's like to be a Christian, I'm in!

True, the feelings for boys never went away, but I figured God would take care of that in time.  After all, it's "God's time, not my time."  But I finally told a few of my friends and the things they told me varied.  Some said I'd get over it as I got older, some said I just needed to get into "the Word" more. (this means reading and studying the bible)  Some said we could talk to their pastor, and some tried to pray for me.  There was a large number of people that thought that it was my "cross to bear" and that I'd always feel this way, but God had given me a challenge, that I needed to just marry a woman when it was time, and simply ignore or fight the devil when he tempted me with this sin.

I did wonder why someone like God would ask any of this of me, but this was what the bible said, so who was I to question it?  It did seem like God was petulant and insecure though.  I mean, he needed all these people to worship him, and if they didn't believe what men were saying from the pulpit, they were in trouble.  NOT BELIEVING was going to send you to hell for EVER.  So you really had no choice.

They said it was a test that God gave me in order to see if I loved Him or not, they said it was the devil trying to drag me to the "other side", they said all kinds of things.  And they all made some sort of crazy sense to me because of one thing--I knew I was bad. This was original sin, I guess.

I can't tell you how much I prayed for help and to be delivered from this most grievous sin.  I studied the bible, I went to classes, I joined a youth group, I went door to door "witnessing" for Jesus.   I have to say that I did feel a certain presence of God that I really can't deny.  I still feel that if you seek God you will find him.  He may not be what you thought he was, but he'll show up.  But the essence of who I was, and what I wanted never changed.  It didn't even budge.  I wanted to spend my life with a man, intimately.  I wanted to go to movies, make dinner, get a dog, go for walks and sleep with a man.  I wanted to make a commitment with him.  I wanted to be romantic and make money or not make money, or be poor with a man.  Not a woman.  I was and am mentally, emotionally and physiologically attracted to men.

And I now believe that my homosexually is "god given" and therefore good.  For whatever reason, the Creator wanted a certain number of people in every country, race, creed, nationality, culture, religion, and socioeconomic background to be gay.  Maybe so we can make the world pretty, I don't know.  And I don't care.  I do know on thing, because I have been all over the world.  Little homosexual boys and girls act and look the same EVERYWHERE!   It's innate.  They can't help it, and they aren't copying anyone.  They are too young to even have sexual feelings.  Some are more or less masculine acting or feminine acting, but the percentage is the same in every country and religion.  Some are just more secretive when they find out their family and society hates them.

The main things that have changed are that I no longer believe any of us here on earth really KNOW what God is like.  The bible may or may not be close, I doubt it.  The other religions all think they know too, but I suspect we are all wrong.  That it is going to turn out to be completely different than what we expect.  And I think it is EXTREMELY arrogant to think that YOU KNOW.  If there was someone who really KNEW, he would have total control with total knowledge.

I believe that the only real constant is that whomever or whatever created the world, it didn't want us to know for sure how it happened or what "He" looks like.  Life is lived in the pursuit of dreams and of God.  I believe that now.  I seek God, seek to know God, but I believe I will not know in this life.  For now, I want only to go toward the light, as simply as the trees and the plants do.  Simply grow toward a better, taller, more useful me.

I am always interested in hearing other people's viewpoints because it is all thought provoking, but I really no longer think that it was all written down mostly by a guy named "Paul" two thousand years ago.  He was just really smart, and evolved and wanted the best for people.  What a nice guy.

9/5/09

It's now 1:00 am but sometimes I think it's only 4 O'clock...

It's hard for me to not crowd things and to let them happen on their own. And I really don't want to rush since I do tend to do that once in a while.

Sometimes I think about "Four O'clocks".  I don't even know if that is the official name but my mother taught me to plant these flowers she called "four o'clocks" when i was about 6 years old. It seems they are called by that name because the blooms themselves open only in the evening a few hours before sundown.

She would have me put the seed in a little hole in the dirt and cover them up and then water them just a little every single day.  But she said that I had to LEAVETHEMALONE!   But I had such a hard time LEAVING THEM ALONE!!  I knew they were supposed to grow into plants so everyday I would make sure my mom was distracted, and I would sneak out and dig one of them up just to see if it had germinated.  Of course most of the time they hadn't.  But when one did, I would try to put it back exactly right, so that it could grow the way it was supposed to.  Consequently, only a few of the seeds turned into plants!  My mom was always saying how surprised she was that so few of them grew, but we always ended up with enough, so I guess she didn't know I did that.

Anyway, my point is, it's really very difficult for me to let seeds germinate.  I would rather dig them up and see how they are doing, then to just let them grow on their own.  I just don't seem to trust the process.  So in this case, with this cute guy, I'm going to try to let the seeds germinate.  WITHOUT digging them up.  Even though I really wanted to call his number on the way home from work, I didn't.  And I think I can wait a couple days before calling him.  I hope that's the best thing to do.

9/3/09

Ten Things I Want

I think I have too many rules.  But they work a lot of the time!  They really do!

For instance, I have rules about dating.  You already heard one of them:  Anything but "yes" is "no".  Very clear.

But the others aren't really rules so much as guidelines. They start with a list, just a small list of the things you want in a person.  And this list can't contain physical attributes.  Unless perhaps you are a professional athlete and you need a partner that can sort of keep up, or if you are planning on living on a farm or in the mountains in a cabin, and you can't be dating anyone who can't get around well.

But just for everyday dating, here's what I do.  I make a list of ten things that I want in a person, either personality traits or character attributes that I want to end up with in a person.  I mean, the hope is that someday you'll be 90 years old sitting on the porch in a rocking chair next to this person and you aren't going to be doing too much strenuous activity.  You might just want to sit there and rock.  So if you do, then you better make sure you like just talking to this person, or just listening to them.  It'd be pretty horrible if you married someone for looks and then you were both housebound and the only person you had to talk to was a 90 year old that USED to be cute.  Not my idea of fun.  But if that person were someone that you loved talking to, someone whose sense of humor you thought was fantastic, someone who adored you and just wanted to look into your eyes, now that might not be so bad.

And really in the years in between, it will get to the point that you only have sex a couple times a week at the most, (so they say) so what in the world will you be doing the other 6 days, 23 and a half hours?  As far as I'm concerned, you better like this person a whole hell of a lot.

So here's my list, and it's MY list, so it is tailor made for me:
1)  Great conversationalist
2)  Finds my sense of humor to be WONDERFUL
 These are in no certain order, by the way.
3)  Self-supporting--this means that they have a job or some income that pays their bills enough that they don't need outside assistance.
4)  Is Impeccably honest--probably the most important one to me
5)  Has a talent that is something they can pursue just for the sake of enjoyment
6)  Desires monogamy--this rules out anyone who is already IN a relationship and anyone that is not really wanting one with just ME.
7)  Cherishes me.... that's it.  I just want to be cherished.
8)  Likes to be social--this doesn't rule out people that like to stay home, just the ones that never want to have anyone over
9)  Has a good sense of humor
10) Is somewhat athletic

Now these are definitely not something that can never change.  Anytime I want to, I can come back and move them around, or leave one out, or add another.  No problem.  This is my list of what I want.  And it doesn't mean I can't opt to ignore one or more of them.  But I need to remember that if I ignore one of them, then I need to avoid complaining about it when I don't get it.

Here's an example.  I meet someone who is not working. They are about to get a great job, but they are out of work now.  They have run out of money and I have to pay for everything anytime we go anywhere.  This is not a judgment of someone like that.  It is just that we are talking about what I want.  But lets just say that this person is everything else I want, they are the cutest thing and they just adore me, and love spending time together.  They like my family and my family likes them and besides... They're HOTT.  With two Ts.

I get all involved and they get a job for a while, then lose it, and things get tough, and by this time we are living together.  We can't pay the bills and there is a lot of pressure.  Now all the other stuff that is so great about them is going out the window, because I am mad all the time, cuz they aren't pulling their weight.  It doesn't matter that they are cute, and funny and charming, because the refrigerator is EMPTY.  NO FUN.  I don't even LIKE this person anymore.

I can't complain, because when I was dating them, they didn't have a job, so that was what I was agreeing to.  See, we are not dating what they are GOING to be, we are dating what they ARE.  Too many people make the mistake of thinking that they are dating a person who is going to TURN INTO the person they want.   "oh, well, he's so cute and smart, he is GOING to get a job", or he is GOING to be a good friend, or he is GOING to quit stealing.  On and on from there.  I have to ask myself, "what is he NOW?"

That's why if you date someone who is not even single, how do you expect them to turn into the faithful type?  They aren't now, why would they be later?  It's okay if you don't want the faithful type, maybe you don't.  That's for you to decide.

I have found that when I go out with someone, I can check to see if they have some of these characteristics right from the start.   If they are an hour late to my date the first time with no real apology, or explanation, I can rest assured they don't value my time or me.  If they are looking over my shoulder at someone cuter (and there is ALWAYS someone cuter) then I must not be very important.  These are all things to be cross-checking with in your head against your list.  The list absolutely MUST be written.  You can try to do it in your head, but it won't carry the same weight.  It just won't work, I think it's kind of a spiritual thing.

And here is the magical thing.  When you have made your list, and you go out into the world with a discriminating eye, people can tell. And you look better.  Someone with boundaries always looks better than a lump of low self-esteem that would take anything they can get.  That's why people that are dating someone look so good to others.  They have an attitude that says: "you can't touch this".  And that's very attractive, because people wonder why you are so great.  They can tell you know you are fabulous, and they want to know what it is you've got.

This list gives you some boundaries to work with.   And even on a date, I know what to ask, I start with questions designed to find out which one of my ten things they possess.  If they still hate their parents and they don't take care of their dog, they probably will not be someone that takes care of you.

So now I have my list, let's see what happens.  You know that I will be running home to tell you all about it!

9/1/09

Anything but yes is no.

I really think I am pretty good at dating.  In fact, I'm pretty good at the entire process, from asking them out to ending the whole thing, whether its a few hours later, or a year.

It's the PICKING part I'm not so good at.

Today, I asked a guy out that I know through friends.  He is REALLY very cute to me, and I think he is attractive to a lot of people.  But we have an electricity between us that I don't usually have with people.  Anytime I am in the room with him, there is just a lot of energy, I don't know whether or not it's sexual energy, but at least attraction.  You know how it is when you are attracted to someone at the same time they are attracted to you, and you can feel that energy that goes both ways?  I hope you do, because if you don't, I'm going to feel like I'm rubbing your nose in it.  I am sorry.  I know that I am lucky there are a lot of people that are attracted to me, and I never, never take that for granted.  I have friends that are not nearly so lucky, but anyway, I do feel it with him.  I see him around once in a while, and today, we happened to be at lunch with a couple of mutual friends. 

After lunch we decided to go see Janice, this friend of ours that we all love dearly.  She is a sassy, southern lady in her 70's, really beautiful and funny as hell.  She never, and I mean never leaves the house without her makeup on, and her hair done up.  Always wears heels and girl, her belt always matches her purse.  Well, she had both hips replaced and so she is in the hospital for a few days of recovery.  And of course all the nurses love her.  She doesn't really cuss like a sailor, but she doesn't really watch her language either.  I would call her... very colorful.

Anyway, since we were all four going to go see her, we decided to take two cars, so Chris rode with me.  I could feel the attraction the whole time he was in the car, and I was trying not to come on too strong, but I just thought, "Hell, if I don't ask him out, I'll never know.  So as we are walking across the parking lot of the hospital, right next to the emergency room, you know, ambulances, stretchers and homeless people all over the place, I thought, what could be more romantic?  So I asked him if he would go out with me sometime.  And he hesitated.

Always a bad sign.

Then he said weeellll... Long pause.   And I said "uh-oh, maybe I should take that as a no and just stop there."  He said, "no, no, that's not it, but I guess really, I'm umm I'm very attracted to you... it's just that I am sort of attracted to someone else."   And I said, "okay, I can hear a vague "no" in that sentence."   It is hard for me though, because I guess I am a natural salesman.  Because what I thought I heard was, "I'd love to, and you are so hot, but I'm scared and just don't know whether or not I can feel comfortable on a date, so I'm going to beat around the bush a bit, so you can take charge of the situation, insist on a date and then I'll feel more comfortable and we'll all live happily ever after." 

So all my training kicked in, and I reminded myself the first rule of dating, from my own little rule book.
1)  Anything but "yes" is NO.
That works so well.   If they say I just washed my hair, or I have to work that night, or my grandmother just died.  Those are all "NO's"   Ummm, I'm not sure, I will have to get back to you, I'm sort of seeing someone.  Those TOO, are all "NO's".    Are you hearing me?

But I thought, you know, this guy is really shy, and I'm not sure he really knows what he wants, so I'm going to take this a step farther.  So I asked him if he is dating the dude or not.  And he says he is definitely NOT dating the guy, the guy doesn't even know Chris likes him.  But Chris is kind of hung up on the guy.

I said, maybe I'm a little hard-headed, but this isn't making sense to me.  You have met someone you are attracted to, you have not told him this, you don't know how he feels, and yet you have already made a commitment with him?

At least I got a laugh out of him.  He tells me he knows it sounds a little silly, but he is just not ready for a big dating thing.

Okay...  Alright.   Okay then.  I finally heard the "no" in that sentence.  It doesn't matter why, but it was a "no".  A pretty strong no at that.  Maybe the reason is kinda weird, but it was a no, just the same.  I wanted so badly to argue that it wasn't a big dating thing for god's sake, it was just coffee or dinner!   But I finally shut up.  He doesn't want to go.   I can live with that.

But it has left me feeling kind of crappy. I guess it's normal to wonder what is wrong with you when this kind of thing happens.  I know I'm good looking.  I have a good job, a house, a dog, a personality.  I'm good at stand-up comedy for christ's sake.  People hit on me all the time, just not the ones I'm attracted to.

So why is it I can't seem to get a date with a peer that seems like he has it together?  I've got 21 year-olds chasing after me whenever I go to a coffee shop or bar.  If I go on one of those websites, who tries to chat me up?  The good looking 20 somethings.  That doesn't make sense.  They are even still after me when they find out I don't really have any money, that I just "get by". 

But just let me ask out an attractive, somewhat well adjusted grown up.  Sometimes they leave that little puff of smoke like in the Roadrunner cartoons.

:(

This is the type of thing that makes me think a little drink would be nice.  I start to feel completely inadequate, and like I am just not attractive, and then start thinking I should be going to the gym more, and I should work out more, and I should get better clothes.  Any of which would be fine, except for the drink.   If I had a drink "just to feel better" I'd end up going to a bar tonight (driving) and then I'd be trying to drag someone home (pathetic) and then I'd find myself in a stranger's house tomorrow (trashy) missing my underwear and trying to sneak out without waking him up. I'm exhausted already.

So yeah, I do feel a little "less than" right now, maybe a little hopeless. But all in all, my life is good.  I think instead of doing that whole bar thing, I'm going to go home and get my dog and go to the dog park.  It's nice out.  ...and maybe there will be a nice single guy there.

8/31/09

When Will I Learn?

My friends think I am so negative! I may be negative in a lot of ways, but in some ways I'm just realistic.

Like when I was a kid, my mom would catch me taking the crust off of my slice of apple pie and she would say: "Eat the crust, it's the best part!"

I knew she was not totally honest about that, so I said, "okay, why don't you just make some pie filling for me, and a delicious crust for everyone else?"

I think that is neither negative nor positive, it's just seeing through the fact that she didn't really think the crust was the best part, she was just trying to get me to eat it. If what she said was true, pies wouldn't HAVE pie filling, they would just be big crusts sitting around for everyone to chew on. I mean, why would you want to put all those yucky sweetened apples or strawberries in that delicious crust and ruin it?

Anyway, my point is, and I do have a point, that I'm not trying to be negative when I say this, I'm just trying to look at the facts in my life and in what I see in others.

Here's the deal: People always tell you when you have trouble with the "type" of person you are attracted to, that it gets better over time. You know, when a woman is attracted to guys who treat them like crap, everyone tells them that they will meet someone better once they learn to say no to that type. You know, her dad used to abuse her so she is picking him over and over until she "deals" with the feelings associated with him. The theory is, if you are a man, you will be attracted to someone like your mother, and if you are a woman, you will be attracted to someone like your dad. And then, as you learn to deal with the problems you had with that parental figure, you will either learn to pick a new type, or get along with the original one.

I've always told my friends that if that's true, I need to skip this whole "dating" thing, and just look around for someone I hate.

But here's the thing that makes me crazy. I have done years of therapy, I wrote a book about my childhood (at the time of this writing, I haven't tried to publish it, but hopefully it will be eventually) and I have done a LOT of personal work on my relationship with my parents, and the type of person I am attracted to has
NOT
CHANGED
ONE
BIT.

My mother was an alcoholic, complete with the requisite yelling, crying, suicide attempts, neediness, petulance, and severe depression that comes with it. To this day, I am convinced she tells layers of the truth, but seldom the whole truth. Prone to severe mood swings, she can go from little-girl-like neediness to a full out rage in seconds. When I was young, she romanticized our relationship to some degree and I didn't know whether I was her friend, her boyfriend, or her sober caretaker (usually all  of the above) and she would beg me to never leave her. Seldom did I feel like the child in the relationship.

When I was 16 and my little sister was 12, my mother decided that we were in the way of her getting sober and having a relationship with her new boyfriend, so one afternoon, she put us in the car and got rid of us.  She may have been under the influence of prescription drugs and alcohol, I'm not sure, but I did know we were not wanted there.  My sister was sent to live with our dad, and me, well, I couldn't stand my father at that point, so I got dropped off at my uncle's apartment with just the clothes I was wearing.

I'm not trying to get sympathy, I have long since gotten over all this; I believe things happen to us for a reason, and I went through what I went through in order to become who I am. I did a lot of work on forgiveness, and a lot of work in the area of my relationship with my mother. A lot of healing has taken place. We are on really good terms, and even though I find her personality difficult (who doesn't, when it comes to their mother?) we do pretty well. I go to see her a couple times a year and we get along quite well for the most part.

But here's the deal. I was attracted to dishonest, inconsiderate, unfaithful people that would up and leave me 20 years ago, and I am attracted to the same thing now. I'm not saying I DATE them now, I don't. But INVARIABLY if I am attracted to someone, I can already tell you, they are going to be dishonest, needy, petulant and inconsiderate, and quite possibly, mere steps away from the state penitentiary.  (where, undoubtedly, he would begin a relationship with his cellmate that would render my visits with home-baked cookies and cash a mere inconvenience for him)

I've even tried dating people that I am not at all attracted to! I have gone after people that I thought were good people, people that would treat me wonderfully, but I figured you just can't make yourself be attracted to someone you're not into. But that's what "they" say you should do. If you are extremely attracted to jerks, then the next time you feel that extreme physical attraction, RUN!!! I thought they must know what they are talking about, so I was willing to try anything.

All that to say this: I believe wholeheartedly that if you are attracted to someone of a certain type, you can go through therapy, you can heal your relationship with your parents, you can even write a book about the journey to forgiveness, but after twenty years of this, you will still be attracted to the same type. I hate to burst your bubble. I mean, it was a rude awakening for me too. But I am 47 years old, about to turn 48. If it takes a lifetime to change the patterns of who you are attracted to, what's the point? And I'm not trying to find someone perfect, just someone who treats me well, and isn't completely dishonest.

I know this all sounds awful and hopeless, but I can't help thinking this way! If I am 80 and I finally get it right, then I'm only going to have a few years left with this Mr. Adequate. And frankly, 60 years of work for 10-15 of reward doesn't seem worth it.

8/26/09

LATE! But I promised myself I'd do this daily!

Okay, here's the deal. I said I was going to do this, and one of my worst personality traits is that I don't really stick to anything. So tonight, when I looked at the clock and saw that it was almost bedtime, I thought: DAMN! I need to write in that thing.

That's what I call it right now, a thing. See, my generation doesn't really even know what to think about all this stuff. Facebook, Blogging, Twitter? It's all new to you guys too, I guess, but 15 years ago, no one even had a CELL phone! And even the WORD blog sounds kinda weird. So is blog a noun or a verb? Am I BLOGGING or am I writing in my BLOG? I don't know, but for right now, in my head, it's writing in that "thing". And for now, that's just going to have to do.

So I'm at work today, and someone asked something that got me thinking: He asked if I missed being able to go drinking, or to have a few drinks. I answered that I didn't miss it at all. But then I started to think about it and that's not exactly, perfectly, literally true.

I don't really MISS it. I do THINK about it sometimes. But first, let me tell those of you that don't understand what it is like to be an alcoholic, just what it is like. And by the way, please pardon me if you happen to be one and I don't explain this right. This is just the best explanation I can come up with from MY point of view.

First of all, I have lots of friends that are not alcoholics. They go out, or to a party or something and they have like one, two or maybe even on a big night as much as 3 drinks and then they start to get that tipsy feeling and they say: "EEWW! That's enough for me! I'm feeling tipsy!! And I do have to drive home, you know!!" Or they just don't like the taste. Or they are on some medication, so they don't drink ANY.

Myself, and a whole lot of other alcoholics that are in recovery, think this is NUTS! See, the reason I drank is not because I had a bad childhood, (though it was kinda horrible if you ask me) it was not because I had some problems with depression, (though sometimes I do) it was not a habit. It's because I CRAVED that feeling you had of being tipsy. I LOVED it. It's what I LIVED for. The first time I drank too much alcohol, I got sick, I threw up, I fell down, I threw up again, I drank some more, and I couldn't even remember what else happened that night. But what I remembered, and that I still remember as if it was yesterday though it was nearly THIRTY YEARS AGO! was the feeling of "enoughness" or "fearlessness" or whatever it was that I had in that little period of time between the second or third drink and oblivion. And actually now that I think about it, I craved the oblivion too. But I will NEVER as long as I live, forget what it felt like to suddenly think that I was ENOUGH. That I was OKAY. I was not ugly, or stupid or charmless. I was ENOUGH for the first time in my young 18 year-old life. Looking back now, I realize I had always been afraid, I had always felt "less-than" and I had always felt that I was not OKAY. But those 2 or 3 drinks completely erased all that.

So the way I look at it is this: You know that tipsy feeling that you get, where you feel like you are not in control, and that you are not sure if you can act normal? I LOVE IT. I ADORE IT. I LIVED for it for 20 years. And I finally began seeing how I was paying for it.

Now let me tell you what it's like on a daily basis for me, after being sober for almost 13 years. I do go to a program that follows 12 steps for being sober and having a better life. I can't tell you the actual name of it here, since one of the principles in this program is that we not reveal on paper or TV or radio that we are part of this program. Just on a one-on-one basis, in a personal way. But I can tell you this: I tried for many years to stop drinking and to stay away from alcohol, and I absolutely could not do it. I quit drinking countless times, only to start up again and then wonder why I picked it up...AGAIN. You see, as soon as I put that alcohol in my body, I begin to crave more. And having put some in my system, my inhibitions are lowered, my judgment is impaired and I begin to wonder what "just one more" would hurt. What's it going to hurt if I have "JUST ONE MORE?" Well, I'll tell you what it will hurt. I will then have even less good judgment and be a little LESS inhibited, and one more than THAT will seem okay. Because when I drink, the craving never ends. It's just my good sense that ends.

Now that I have successfully stayed away from it for a while, with the help of this program and a spirit that I choose to call God, I really hardly ever feel the craving at all. Perhaps once in a while on rare occasions. But not often. And all I have to do is think about what happens to me when I do it. My life goes to hell. I start hurting people that I care about. I stop paying bills. I stop being responsible on or off the job. I have no judgment when it comes to things like safety, security, sexuality, or family. I just want more, and at any cost. My money, your money... I won't care.

But after all this time, why do I still go to those meetings, or for how much longer? Well, for one thing, I love going to those meetings. All my friends are there. I enjoy the exchange with others like myself. It's fun. And the biggest reason? It's because when I don't go, I start to forget what all the fuss was about. Why did I really think I couldn't drink just one little drink. What is the big deal about it, since I can get a designated driver and all that, and maybe this time I will be different, IT will be different. But the thing is, I tried all that before, and it was NEVER any different. It always came out the same, I just do not want to stop once I get started.

So the answer is no. I really don't miss that life. I miss tiny little bits of it, like harmless tipsiness. But do I miss the whole thing? NO. Not one bit. I couldn't pay my bills or consistently show up at work. I had cirrhosis of the liver. I had hepatitis B. I was soon to be kicked out of my apartment. My car had no insurance, no up-to-date tags, an expired driver license, and bald tires. I had used up many of my friends. And the worst thing of all? You know when I told you that I didn't feel afraid, and I felt "enoughness" and "fearless" after having a couple of drinks? Well after many years of drinking very, very often, that enoughness and fearlessness turned into hating myself and others. It turned into a bitter loathing of myself. There was a point in my drinking years that I hung a towel over the mirror in my bathroom because I hated looking at the face I most hated in the world--mine.

Why in the world would I want to go back to that?

8/25/09

Confessions of a Gay Alcoholic (1st time to blog)

Wow, I hope that title's not misleading.

I mean, now that I look at it, I guess you might be expecting a drunken, sexual odyssey through the life of an inebriated pervert. Umm....well, I guess I have had my days, but I haven't been drunk, or indeed had a drink of alcohol in almost 13 years. As for the sexual part, well, I think it's a little early in our relationship to go there, but believe me, there is plenty to talk about when it comes to sexual behavior. So when I say "alcoholic" I should probably say "recovered alcoholic". And when I say "gay" I should probably say "sometime sex-addict/guy trying have a shred of dignity". (that phrase works better if you actually SAY "slash" out loud.) Anyway, in case you're wondering, I DO have stories. And I'm not shy, so if you read on, I will get to those.

Let me fill you in on a little about who I am:
SGWM, 6ft, 187lbs, handsome, masculine, athletic, blondish, blue eyes, great personality and smile.

Hmm...I don't really mean to give you my "Male4Male4Sex.com" profile but if you are going to have some insight into who I am, you might as well meet me the same way other people might. I guess some habits are hard to break.
More realistically:
I am a 47 year old Flight Attendant for a major airline. But don't let that make you think I am one of those nelly queens. I've tried really hard my whole life to walk like my brothers, not my sister. When I was 12, it was kinda hard, but these days it comes fairly natural. And thanks to my brother's teasing, I NEVER cross my legs at the knee. ALWAYS one ankle on the opposite knee, legs apart like I'm advertising, and I NEVER, never sit up straight. You know, like those gay guys that you see in restaurants? They don't even have to MOVE and you can tell they're gay. Something about their "carriage" and expression. Always with that disdainful expression on their faces, permanent lines in their foreheads from looking down on the rest of society. Well, I'm not one of those, or at least, I don't sit like that.

I like to think of myself as a frustrated pop-opera singer, actor, comedian. Okay, now THAT'S gay. But I don't dance. I'm a TERRIBLE dancer. And I did do stand-up comedy for a while. That's a HARD life, and I'm really not that tough, but it was a great experience.

So anyway, I do have 3 older brothers, sort of rednecks for the most part, and a younger sister---beautiful. I think when I came along after all those regular boys, my parents were singing the Sesame Street song: "One of These Things-- is Not Like the Others...." I mean, I didn't like contact sports or watching them, and I did like to rearrange the furniture. I wasn't real girlish, but I just didn't seem to like to get dirty like they did. And holding back tears? I did NOT see the point. That's when you get stuff, when you cry. And I knew what the latest fashionable jeans looked like.

While currently single (and available in case anyone's asking) good looking, in good shape, somewhat athletic, (in that I go to the gym 3-4 times per week, and ride my bike a couple times a week) really none of that is for health--purely vanity. It's to keep myself from being embarrassed when I take off my shirt at the pool. Or in case I might possibly choose to take off my clothes in front of someone... alone....like near a bed. Yes, I do understand that normal sex usually takes place in a BED with someone you KNOW. But like many gay men, I don't always have sex in a conventional manner. Which brings me to my first rant!

Why do people think Homosexuals are so promiscuous? It's not always true. Okay, it is with me, but I know plenty of gay men that really don't get around. And YES, they are good looking! So it's not that.

Here's the deal: Men are men. Have you ever known a straight man that would say no to sex with a woman who wants to? That's right, straight men are just as slutty as the *trashiest gay men. They simply don't have the opportunities. Let me present you with a scenario.

*(keep in mind that I know MANY MANY gay guys that want no part of anonymous sex, just like there are a couple of straight men (usually for religious reasons) that want no part of it.)

If you are a straight man reading this and you heard there was a bar or a park where women of all shapes and sizes went, purely for the purpose of having sex, would you not jump in your car at the first opportunity to at least go SEE that?? And then add to that the fact that you are not allowed to and in fact would be chastised vehemently if you were to "hit on" a woman in public. EVER. Imagine a world where people were APPALLED and HORRIFIED at the idea of you even speaking to an attractive woman, yet you know there are parks and bars and places in town where women went JUST TO PICK UP A MAN! And they didn't want dinner, conversation, nothing in return. They didn't even care if you had a job! You don't need to be sensitive or caring, and you don't need to cuddle after. Now just try to tell me that a bar like that would not be packed, and that people wouldn't be having sex in the bathrooms and on the pool tables. Get it? Men are all alike, some of us are just more successful!

By the way, this thing I do with digression is part of my personality. Everything seems to remind me of something that I hate, or something that bothers me and that I want to tell everyone about. I can't have a conversation with anyone without trying to tell them about some point that keeps me up at night. I'm kinda weird that way, but hopefully it will make this blog readable and interesting, maybe a little thought-provoking. On the other hand who knows? Maybe it's boring and this will only be therapy for me.

And I could definitely use some therapy.  So if it's just cathartic, that's good enough, I think.